Bumps and bruises

What a crazy couple of weeks...

Sylvia has entered a whole new wonderful dimension. For the first few months, I catered to an eating, pooping machine that would smile and occasionally throw me a giggle. Since she turned 6 months (she is almost 9 months now), we have been on a serious incline of awesome. The smiles and giggles that melted my heart have now been topped by hugs and nuzzles. Weird noises she used to make are starting to resemble a language that lets me know what she wants, likes, and doesn't (She has totally reinforced my idea that I'm the funniest person in the whole world). The little lump that had to be carried everywhere is now moving around on her own (crawling is her bitch) and can follow me around the house as I clean. She can pull herself up to standing, and she thinks she can stand on her own.

WAIT!! HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!

The keyword is "thinks" she can stand up on her own. I had no idea the terror that would strike every time she falls down. I'm seriously considering getting her a helmet. She will pull herself up on anything from the coffee table to the wall. Then, she just lets go and SMACK. She either falls into whatever she's standing on or straight to the floor. I know I sound like a horrible mom because I just let her do this, but I really do my best to keep it from happening. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to stand by her every second of every day, and I don't think I should. She needs to learn on her own a bit too, right? As long as all real dangers are removed from her play areas, she should be allowed to fall down and learn to get back up. This is what I keeping telling myself every time she falls hard(it has happened twice now), but the truth is it makes me nauseous. I'm afraid she is going to have brain damage even though I know that she doesn't even have a goose egg bump. I feel like every other mom looks at the bruise on my baby's forehead and thinks I'm a derelict


I guess I should just be glad she can actually move around. She is quite rotund, and gravity is not a big girl's best friend. I hope and pray we make it through this trial and error period without any major Central Nervous System injuries. I have a feeling we will be walking sooner than later. Great....

4 Quarters

I wrote this as a note on Facebook June 4, 2009. It was right before my 25th birthday, and I was having a really hard time with where I was in my life.

So, in less than a month I will be turning 25. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, I would have told you there is no way I would live to see the day. I'm having quite the little quarter-life crisis. I'm pissed at myself for all the stupid things I've done and the things I didn't get done due to my love affair with the party scene. My boss noticed I haven't been as focused at work nor as much of a sarcastic asshole (which he loves, mind you) lately, and he asked me what was wrong. I went on like a five minute rant about my quarter-life crisis, and after I was done he put everything in perspective for me. It was something along these lines:

Jenna, I know you love football, so think of life like a giant football game. There are 4 quarters. In the first quarter you grow, make a lot of your big mistakes, learn, party, and play. In the second quarter, you build. This is when you build your career, your family, and yourself based on the lessons you learned in the first quarter. In the third quarter, if you played the first 2 right, you enjoy what you've built and learned. If you fucked those up, you have to keep building. In the fourth quarter, well, I doubt either of us will make it there! The way I see it, you did everything right in the first quarter, you've made more mistakes and partied more than anybody I know and actually learned along the way. Now, it's time to get your ass building! You don't want to have to make up for anything in the second half. Think of how stressed you are when Jake has to make up for 4 interceptions he threw the first half of a game. That's no way to live life or play football!

Now, here I sit almost 2 years later. I'm married, living in Germany, getting ready to move back to U.S., and I'm next to the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen. I never would have guessed when I wrote that note that I would be sitting where I am now. I still think it is the best life advice. I'm in the second quarter. I'm building my life. I find it hard to believe that I went from being a lost child to a pretty responsible adult in 2 years. I love this reliable, responsible person I've become. I like knowing that my family can always count on me. It makes me proud. I also like that I was that other person that I've almost completely lost touch with. The only remnants left of that person are, "shitter was full", laughing when the baby toots, and my love for cheap beer. Even my air guitar has gotten rusty. I know I will never have any regrets about taking long shots down the field. I ran most of my crazy plays in the first quarter. Now, I'm hammering with the run game and making steady progress. It may seem boring, but I've always got a few trick plays up my sleeve to keep it interesting. Right now, I would have to say I'm WINNING.

The Funk

So lately I have been in a serious funk. It is almost enough to say I'm semi depressed. I really have no reason to be seeing that I have everything a person needs to be happy. I have just been so unmotivated to do ANYTHING. I weigh more than I've ever weighed (minus being 9 months pregnant) in my entire life, and I can't seem to get motivated to really diet or exercise that much. If I leave the house twice in a week, it is a good week for me. When we moved to Germany they warned us about the winters. They are long and cold. There are no 60 or 70 degree days September-April. I don't even think I saw the sun the whole month of December. I'm not cut out for this. I was born in South Florida. I NEED THE SUN. I have no idea how people do this year after year. I understand why Germans are so miserable though. Needless to say, I am in desperate need of my trip home. In 6 days Bear and I will be in LKN, and we will be in Florida on 19 days. The things I wish to accomplish while I'm home:
1. Spend as much time as possible with family and friends. Being alone sucks. I love Noah and Bear, but I need some time with other people. I isolate myself here. It isn't healthy.
2. Get a tan. I think sunshine is a must for happy people. I truly believe the lack of sunshine and warmth in my surrounding has directly attributed to the lack of sunshine and warmth in my soul.
3. Exercise every day... outside. This goes along with my needing a tan, but fresh air while exercising helps too. Even if my exercise is pushing Bear in her stroller down to Birkdale Village to window shop (I'm not buying myself anything until I lose at least 10 pounds, but it should probably be 20).
4.Go on a couple of real dates with my husband. It will be our anniversary while we are there. We need some time away from our sweet angel to actually feel like a couple again instead of just parents.
5. Show off my baby. I know that is so tacky to say, but she is my most awesome creation. She is such a ham, and I love to dress her up and show her off.
6. Spend one night acting like my old self. I want to take one night and act like the carefree person I used to be. I may drink a few too many Coors Light drafts, sing some karaoke, and do some serious fist pumping. I've spent the last 14 months being completely responsible, and I need a night away with my super crazy fun friends.
7. Do some serious work on myself. Being a stay at home mom is hard. It is emotionally trying being a slave to an infant 24/7, and I am starting to lose touch with who I am. I've lost sight of goals, and I have no priorities past Bear and Noah. I need to find a balance between who I was and who I am, and I need to devise a plan to get to who I want to be.

That was some serious rambling, and I haven't even had a drop of wine...

Guy on the subway

Yesterday Noah and I were on the train, when I told him, "I've been thinking about him a lot lately." Noah knew exactly who I was talking about. It was a man I crossed paths with a few weeks ago.

Bear and I were on the train, again, heading to meet Noah and his coworkers to go bowling. A man got on the train and sat a few seats down from me. He smelled horrible like he lived in a trash can. After I looked at him, I could see that he most likely did live in a trash can. He could barely walk with his cane. People would get on the subway and make rude remarks about the smell. Obnoxious teenagers would yell things in that horrible language. I watched as all this went down, and the man began to cry. I didn't do anything. I just watched in horror.

I was absolutely horrified. I couldn't believe that people are so cruel. They just totally disregarded him as a human. They treated him like a trash can that needed lysol. The thing that disgusted me the most was that I just sat by and watched. I didn't do anything. I didn't try to protect this man from the worst side of humanity, disregard and cruelty. I also didn't give him anything. I should have given him money, taken him to a hostel, done something to help. I didn't though. I just sat by and watched the abuse and watched the man cry. Now, it haunts me. My heart breaks for this man daily. It breaks for him and all the other people that the world forgot. He is somebody's son. He is possibly somebody's brother, father, or uncle. He has dreams, and he probably had a time in his life when things went right for him.

I know some people are homeless and have problems because of bad choices they have made, but they are still people. We've all made bad choices. Please, the next time you see one of these people don't be rude. Follow what you learned in elementary school. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Please try to be considerate and remember that people still have feelings no matter what situation they are in.