There are those women who love being pregnant. They feel their most feminine and most beautiful creating life. I am not one of those people. Not even close. I feel fat, hideous, everything hurts, and I'm dying. Needless to say, these days I have a wishlist a mile long.
1. I wish I was one of those women that really only put on 25 pounds during pregnancy. Yeah, 40 pounds later... I'm going to have my work cut out for me (again) when this baby comes out. (Thankful note: I'm so glad I have good genes that make it a bit easier to lose weight.)
2. I wish I didn't feel judged by everyone. I don't know if it is real, or I'm just losing it. I feel judged by people if I sneak a latte, eat a Whopper, or don't buy everything organic. I feel judged by my husband when I "accidentally" eat all my food at the Japanese steakhouse. I fell judged by anybody that walks in my messy house. Bed rest and housework do not mix, and I'm really not a great housekeeper when I feel good. I won't even get into judgement by other moms based on my feeding and diapering choices. Sorry, but I will NEVER cloth diaper. I throw away clothes if they have poop on them. There is no way I could carry a shitty diaper around all day. (Thankful note: I have some really great family and friends that try to convince me the judgement is mostly in my head)
3. I wish I could explain to my sweet angel why I can't carry her like I did a few weeks ago, play outside at the park for 2 hours, and why my patience are running abnormally thin. (Thankful note: She is a laid back kiddo, and we love our naps together.)
4. I wish I could get through a whole day without crying, especially over stupid stuff. I cry over country songs, commercials, Sylvia doing something by herself, or the wind blowing a way that tickles my nose. (There is no thankful note for this. I come by my crazy emotions honestly.)
5. I wish I could ditch the guilt. ALL OF THE GUILT. I know I'm doing the best I can do, but my heart is full of guilt. I feel guilty for taking away Sylvia's attention, being less of a mom than usual, not keeping the house clean, the 2 glasses of wine I've had to ease my anxiety attacks (doctor recommended),and basically for being less than the person I usually am. (Thankful note: I have people who accept my crazy ass just the way I am.)
6. I wish this baby would stay put until he is healthy enough to come out. Preterm labor was very scary. I want my baby coming home with me, not staying in the hospital. (Thankful note: I'm 35 weeks. He is almost ready!)
7. I wish this baby would come out. I hate being pregnant, but I absolutely LOVE being a mommy. I'm not like some of my friends that were made to be mommies. I'm not even sure I'm even good at it, but I still love it more than anything. (Thankful note: I'm so very thankful to be pregnant after the hard time we had getting a baby to stick).
8. Finally, I wish that no other woman feels as bad or worse than I do (mentally more than physically). Give yourself a break, ladies. Lord knows I'm trying.